*Giggle* *Giggle*

Thes ALL made me giggle. Alot.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


Print out and submit as per instructions at the bottom of the form.

1. Name :__________________________________________________ Date of Birth :_________________

2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________

3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #______________________________________

4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________

5. Home address :____________________________ City/ State____________________________________

6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______

7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________________________________

8. Number of years parents married :__________________________________________________________

9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______

10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______

(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...

11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________

12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________

13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________

14. Church you attend :_________________________________ How often you attend :_______________

15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________

16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________

Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential

(that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________

If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________

When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________

(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in

a serpentine fashion is advised. )

I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,

CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.

Signature (that means your name, moron)______________________________________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if

you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be

notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.

APPLICANT'S RIGHT THUMB PRINT IN BLOOD



Anger Management for Rude People


When you have a REALLY bad day, take it out on someone you don't know!

[When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know - take it out on someone you don't know…]



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.



I tracked down Rachel's correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again…



When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You're a scumbag!” and hung up.



I wrote his number down with the word 'scumbag' next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, “You're a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!



When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'scumbag' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?”

He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, “That's because you're a scumbag!”



One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window… so I wrote down his number.



A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.”

“What's your name?” I asked.

“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.

“When's a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I'm home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you're a scumbag.”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call…



But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1…

“Hello.”

“You're a scumbag!” (But I didn't hang up…)

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hanson.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I'm really scared, scumbag.”

Then I called Scumbag #2.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hello, scumbag,” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I'll…”

“You'll what?” I said.

“I'll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, scumbag, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.”



Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.



Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.



I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.



There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.


 
 
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.


At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, freakin stop doin it then, ya evil idiot!'

A card that says:

Happy Birthday to my best friend!

Just kidding, you're like my third best friend, but they don't make cards that say that.


How to write a paper in college/university:






1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.



2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.



3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.



4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.



5. Check your email.



6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.



7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.



8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.



9. Check your email.



10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.



11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.



12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.



13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!



14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).



15. Check your email.



16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.



17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the

course, the college, the world at large.



18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.



19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.



20. Check your email.



21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.



22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).



23. Check out bored.com.



24. Wash your hands.



25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.



26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.



27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.



28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.



29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.



30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.



31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.



32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.



33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.



34. Punch the wall and break something.



35. Check your email.



36. Mumble obscenities.



37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.



38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.



HAHAHA!!!! These made me laugh ALOT!!